Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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