WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
