Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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