My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize