so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize