I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
