And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
