never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
