Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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