Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
