when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize