When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
