I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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