Can i not drive my cunt home
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
