Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
