I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize