remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
