I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
