so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
