you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
