smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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