On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
