Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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