Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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