After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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