well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
