After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
