Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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