The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
