I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
