on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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