The maid of honor just puked.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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