I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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