there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
