What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
