Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize