wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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