Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
