Moan for me like Helen Keller
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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