the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize