She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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