i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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