you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My breasts were aching with rage.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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