god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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