I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
