I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
