Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
