True but thats because hes a fetus.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize