After last night, I could never be a politician.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
