well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
