your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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