You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
