Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
