the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
